Guideline for Web Submissions

 

Dear writers,

A good portion of the work we publish on the website comes from complete strangers such as yourselves. While we remain small and irresponsible, we do our best to respond to all submissions quickly and professionally. That said, there are a number of things you can do to further enhance and streamline the experience for yourselves and for us.

SUBMISSIONS FOR THE WEBSITE

Must be sent to us via email, according to the guidelines below.

LENGTH

Submissions for the web should be shortish. By shortish we mean an absolute maximum of 1,500 words, but in truth we look more kindly on pieces that top out at 1,000 words, and snuggle closest to ones that are even shorter than that. Submissions of exactly 742 words seem to automatically appear on the site, as if by magic.

COVER LETTERS

Are unnecessary, but not forbidden by any means.

PLEASE PASTE

The entire document into the email message. Do not send us attachments. We are afraid of what these attachments may be carrying.

FORMATTING

Please do not format your piece in an unusual way. Do not use colors or Fun Fonts. Don’t even bother describing how your piece would be best if formatted in a particular way, because we probably cannot achieve this formatting on the site. We’re just not that smart.

YOUR NAME

Should be on your submission. Put your name and phone number under the title of your piece. Absolutely all submissions must look like this:

My Funny Experience [story title]
By William Williams [author’s name]
(555) 555-5555 [phone number]
willywill@internet.com [email address]
@wilywill [twitter handle, if you have one]

The email address listed should be the one you would like to appear linked to your byline should we choose to publish your submission. Same goes for your Twitter handle. If you do not want your email address or Twitter handle linked to your byline, please tell us so.

YOUR SUBJECT LINE

Should contain some indicator of what is contained in your submission. A version of the title is recommended. Under no circumstances should you include something like YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE THIS, or INCREASE INCHES AND ENERGY TODAY, or AWESOME SCREENSAVER in your subject line.

AUTHOR BIOS AND COVER LETTERS

Are not necessary for website submissions.

PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED WORK

Cannot be considered. This includes content that has appeared on blogs, tumblrs, or sandwich boards. Also, please don’t send links to funny things on your blog, tumblrs, or sandwich boards. Please believe us when we tell you: We don’t consider work that has previously appeared on your blogs, tumblrs, or sandwich boards.

PAYMENT

There will likely be none. If there is any, it may come very late or in unusual currency.

RESPONSE TIME

Can be anywhere between ten minutes and a month. Please be patient. Average response time is 1-2 weeks. Longer wait times have been known for lists, open letters, and new food submissions.